Amusing Quotes from American Stand-up Comics

Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed.

I was at this restaurant. The sign said "Breakfast Anytime." So I ordered French Toast in the Renaissance.
Steven Wright

Women are like cars: we all want a Ferrari, sometimes want a pickup truck, and end up with a station wagon.
Tim Allen

Women now have choices. They can be married, not married, have a job, not have a job, be married with children, unmarried with children. Men have the same choice we've always had: work, or prison.
Tim Allen

A girl phoned me the other day and said... Come on over, there's nobody home. I went over. Nobody was home.
Rodney Dangerfield

I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.
Rodney Dangerfield

When they asked Jack Benny to do something for the Actor's Orphanage - he shot both his parents and moved in.
Bob Hope

I ran three miles today. Finally I said, "Lady take your purse."
Emo Philips